quiverful musings.

I am ovulating....It's weird that I can tell now. I used to not be able to. My monthly was no where near the word regular. One could be absolutely surprised that we were able to conceive so easily each time. I struggle each and every month with this "knowing" and not allowing myself to trust God with whatever happens. I assume that it is Him, letting me know and watching to see what I will do with this knowledge. I am sorry, Lord. It is just so hard for me right now. I cry when I think that everything Nathan does will be the last time I see it. I don't want to be finished with diapers, and baby food, and baby laughter and slobbery kisses. I don't want to be done, yet I am doing nothing to keep it around. Its bad enough that I can't see Rachel doing the same things that they have all done, to know that she is different, but then to actively defy what my heart is calling out to.

Where is the weight loss, Lord? Maybe I am not trying hard enough.. I get that. However I need You to help motivate me. I cannot do it on my own. Its just that I can't imagine myself pregnant at this weight. Its not healthy and it hurts me. Heartburn and pelvic separation, combined with swelling and back problems. I need all the help I can get to make it through all of that. Less weight would help...

Where is my trust, Lord? Why can't I see the end of this? Will I forever waffle? I cry every month when my period comes, like I am surprised. But then when the part of the month that is here now, is upon me...I do nothing. I am glad my body is working, and I am healthy in that area, but help me get past this. Please.....