Nostalgia

I spent the day today going through all my important papers. There were lots of those. From adoption certificates and associated court documents, to drawings my children have made, to receipts and birth certificates. Among all these were cards and letters my husband wrote to me early in our marriage. We spent much of our time fighting in those precious early years, and so those letters were apologies from him. Most of them had been crumpled up. You see, I spent so much time being angry. At him, at past boyfriends, at my father...no one was very nice to me from the male human race. I couldn't or wouldn't believe any of these apologies and as soon as he would write them, I would be quick to blow it off as a lie, and crumple it up. But something always made me smooth it out, and save it.

We paid such a huge price for our choices in the past. I want to save my children from that sort of agony. We tell them all the time to look wisely for a mate, and don't just give your heart to whomever wants it for that time. My husband's bad relationships combined with mine just made for a couple of very unsure, low self esteem people. I was and still am very domineering. I don't like it at all, but can't seem to make myself stop. I am working on it...Created to be His helpmeet has helped some. He is very passive and was attracted to me because of my domineering side. His mother was the same way. I think males are usually attracted to someone like their mothers.

Neither one of us knew how to communicate, and I used my hurt and anger to manipulate him, and it really didn't do either of us any good. I wish I could take it all back now, and start over. I am glad we made it this far. I truly love him, and I know that I want to be married to him for the rest of my life. Why couldn't our journey to here have been a little easier?

Maybe someday soon he will feel like writing letters again. I promise, I won't crumple them up.