Quiverful after a disability....warning..much rambling

This is a little bit more serious of a post that my cleaning struggles. I have felt the need to put this down in writing for sometime, but something stops me.... I am just going to do it, and if it rambles or sounds bad, I don't care. I've just got to do it.

My husband and I are quiverful. We have felt this calling for a long time now. Each pregnancy stinks a little bit more each time...a little more pain, a little more fatigue, a little more tainted with "I cant do this again". But still we kept on. Never doing anything to stop God's blessings. Each time I would give birth, all those negatives were gone. They became a faded memory in the past, and were only brought up when I got pregnant again. People thought we were crazy for wanting so many children.

When we miscarried, the only thing I wanted to do was try again. I never felt the desire to stop and not do that again. We were blessed with Nathan 3 months after the miscarriage. Then we got pregnant with Rachel 3 months after Nathan was born. Whew!! I don't know if any of my fears are related to the quickness of all that or not. I do know alot of the fear is due to Rachels disability. I had always maintained that the world is a better place with "special needs" kids. I always felt awkward around them, but that was my own problem. No one deserved life more than another, so that included everyone, normal or not. I read one blog against the Duggars choices, and one lady said..."she wouldn't have so many if she had a disabled child. She would have had to stop then." Like that was a death sentence or something. I disagreed with that statement, and thought that it was pretty absurd of her to say that. Then I had Rachel........

I don't know if I caused her to be like she is, or if the birth caused her problems, or what. I don't know if I am okay with the possibility that it was me, and thus I would cause the next baby to be like that. I love her with every fiber of my being, and had I known about her problems before birth, I would have still had her and called myself blessed. So why do I have the fear??? Can't I let myself look into her eyes and long for another one, be it normal or not?

I don't know if she will ever walk, or talk, or truly develop into anything other than an infant. I pray daily that she will, but I am fine if she wont. However, do I have it in me to get past that and open myself into having more? I know in my heart that God will not give me more than I can handle, but if it was my fault that she is disabled, is it fair to allow it again? I know that my fault only could consist of the knowledge that I had diabetes, and allowed myself to get fat. I made the wrong food choices...I didn't eat healthy, but the diabetes was under control. Also,the birth itself could have caused it, and do I trust myself to give birth again??? Unless she was made this way by God, and in which case, I could live with that and stop blaming myself. BUT I WILL NEVER KNOW, AND IT'S KILLING ME!!

Yesterday, she was approved for disability through the state. They usually deny you the first time, but her disabilities are apparently profound enough that she sailed right through the process. That makes me cry....Its so hard to imagine her life past here and now. Could I take care of her and all that entails, and still be a good mommy to more children??

Our entire life was crazy for this past year since she came. It took this long to finally get some semblance of normalcy back. We were all so messed up....And yet, she continued to thrive and make progress...and made us smile, and cherish each other a little more. I know God wants us to have her....she is needed by our family for so many reasons. I could be saying this about the next baby....and I would mean it then. So, why cant I get past this awful fear?